I begin to understand why they want me to go where they want me to go. I begin to see the danger I could be in with one load of extra anything on me. Lord, I am broken. Perhaps there will be people who will not be so affected by my shattering emotions as my loved ones and the various friends.
I am out here where its dark and I am completely alone. I do not believe I can continue to help myself. I imagine that many people left alone like this stand at this crossroad. Do I desire to continue at all ?
Most of them do continue. I probably will continue but tonight I am swimming in the deep places of Spirit and unsure. The body begins to fail. Hope appears to disappear. There is no Beloved. No hair to touch. No Companion. No fine hands to watch on the Bass. No golden voice coming from the Music Room.
The children are far away and down the road is a hostel. A hostel for God’s sake. With spending money and buzzers. There is not one person to whom I wish to speak – and I have been in this place far too often for my liking. I have sat in the rooms of a mental hospital for drug addicts and in the dining room of Langton Clinic. Alone. Everything lost and it seems to me I am again in that place. No helper. No confidante.
I would like to be picked up now and placed in a room at RBSI All set up. Computers and doonah covers and a view over the world. TV and radio and be done with organising and working things out.
Get thee to a convent – makes sense to me. Mind you – leaping onto a funeral pyre makes sense too.
I remember studying something about “disciples” a while back in Bilambil. The FOLLOWING. Obedient Following, Lynne. Just make it through tonight and see what tomorrow brings.
Izzy I am so sorry that I didn’t do better by you.