Monday has come and the cramps went away so that I got a night’s sleep in. Now the sun comes out through the clouds and I have a meeting in front of me and maybe a visit with the Girls.
I rang Hickeys early and ordered gas. That means a shower and heater tonight.
One day, Lynne. Just the one. I wonder what else I need to attend to. I have a mess here and I will check the shed where we have started to put Xanthe’s things.
I think Topper has been removed from the front paddock and that’s good. I am uneasy with small children around a big horse.
If I keep my mind disciplined within this day and let the panic pass through me, I do better. At the other end of panic is despair.
Springtime is beginning to touch us – just a little. I begin to know that he will not be coming back. That he is truly dead. No more words. No more lovemaking. No more travelling. No more musicians in the Music Room. No more dinners out.
I begin to know that there is noone who is mine to reach out and touch or draw closer to.
I begin to know that decisions are once more mine and mine alone as they were for so long.
I also know that I won’t go mad – weary though I may be. Tough as it feels.
Befuddled as I am by the mess that is here and the uncertainty of future dwelling.
I won’t go mad.
I won’t use anything.
I will sit through one more day and let myself be.
Best get some dinner for tonight and some fruit.
Wisdom would be a nice surprise to me and solution to the seemingly hopeless life problems.
In the meantime. Meeting.