I don’t know what colour his eyes were. They fixed his shoulder on the Thursday and we had plans. Many plans.
But this is what a heart breaking feels like.
I can’t make dinner tonight. And I can’t go out to get dinner either. Maybe home delivery pizza I might just pull off.
Its the little things that make life tolerable and its also the little things that make it intolerable for me. The lack of company. The messy yard. The hanging of a bathroom mirror.
I couldn’t even get my pizza from Mo delivering it tonight without tears running all over.
My life is now boring and lonely and sad and extremely difficult. It seems like each thing I have tried to do had dudded out. I guess its often a close run thing about whether or not someone makes it through times like this. It seems like every light has gone out and none of the platitudes mean shit to me.
All I know is that he’s gone and taken with him the fun, the music, the love, the companionship, the help – everything. Today, not even the other loved ones mean much to me. I am on my own as I have so often been and I am fucked.
I feel like I once did at school about Ionesco and co – how could they even rustle up the energy to write books if they felt that kind of despair and indifference ?
And now there is me. And I am done in tonight.
Hit the Steps again, Lynne.
You are powerless over this. He’s gone. You can’t make a new home appear. You can’t make anything work out. Its made your life unmanageable.
COME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF CAN RESTORE YOU TO SANITY. Maybe even tomorrow. I don’t quite believe that just yet.
I think I could go quite mad.
MAKE A DECISION TO TURN YOUR WILL AND YOUR LIFE OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD AS YOU UNDERSTAND GOD.
Ha! I have little faith in that being a good idea either. I do not seem to be being taken good care of at the moment.