After last night’s sweet dream, the sense of loss has deepened. i finally had in my life, a man I could touch and love at will. A man I could ask anything from and give anything to. I have lived so much of my life without that and I am without it once more.
I miss it so much.
Tonight I am able to take a deep breath, feel the Sorrowing and begin to consider the re-formation of my own life. I remember my sister saying in the last weeks of her life ” My children will have to go on and do whatever they have to do in their lives”. A terrible place for a mother to come to.
Now, I have to do whatever I have to do in my own life because he is gone. My love, my companion, my support. And with him has gone sex life, security, travel, chatting, plans, music.
What then do I re-form with ? What then is my next step ? What do I have to build upon ?
1. I am clean and sober – long time. The Meeting today had 14 people. That is pretty damned good. That’s my foundation.
PRIMARY PURPOSE – stay clean and help other addicts to find recovery.
Ok – I build on that concrete floor.
2. I have kids and grandkids.
Start with those two foundation stones.
I spoke to the real estate agents again. Elusive but I also spoke to George and the woman is still in the beachshack so I wait. I am waiting for a lot of things due to every thing I have moved on has proven to be a dead end or a blocked road. The Indicators are not yet there.
I begin with Stepwork. When in doubt – do nothing.
I am driving the car now. How good is that ?
My brother seems to think I need not see the Doc W I am booked to see on Monday and whom I am not keen to see. I don’t like my past dealings with him and I have heard very little good stuff. I shall aim to see a real specialist in Sydney early next year. That will save me $400.
I need to write a will. Or maybe film one.
and for this evening – 3 things I am grateful for.
1. Nits not biting me all over the head
2. the dream I had last night
3. not feeling wretched.
PLUS 3 TIMES THIS WEEK I HAVE SCORED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT ON FACEBOOK FROM HARD TO WIN PEOPLE THAT I ADMIRE.
I feel like Izzy used to when he finally won over the member of the audience who didn’t like him. He would do that at most gigs,.
And now, late at night, I am so spooked by watching the TWILIGHT SAGA that I feel neither grief nor anxiety. Nothing like sheer terror to eliminate the more subtle emotions.
I forgot to mention – that I turn also to BEAUTY to soothe the Spirit and ease the aching. I have the children that cuddle me up and call me Nana. I have my Alfa that rides smooth and sweet – and I look back at the photographs and remember the Beautiful. So – I can no longer take his hand when I go into bed to sleep , but I can look at Jacrandas and Flame trees and our River and some days I can go sit on the benches in the Forest. I can listen to beautiful singers. And watch the grapes forming on our vine. I have had two mulberries from the tree he planted. Nudge me gently in the way I am to go , Izzy . Nudge me.