I think I made it with just enough money for Xmas and the 3 birthdays . Phew. Now I can cry for 1000 years of relief. The first 6 months is almost done. Trauma. Illness. Pressure and great sorrow and demanding too much of Kids and Friends and Landlords and Ladies and Little Girls. Heaps of worry. From here on in I am on territory I have walked before – I reckon I can do that. Please make no dickheaded comments. I don’t need feedback or a mark out of 10 as my friend David Reed used to say. I just know that i have been walking unfamiliar and fecking tricky paths but I think I am back on one I know well. It ain’t no Highway but its a good road.
I simply have to come out of this – changed somehows. I don’t feel like I am. Too worrying and too fretful and too crossgrained and too unwell. Today feels like a Junction. I feel like I am back on my own road. One I have walked for many years. I know its hardnesses and its joys and I love it dearly. I come back to it after 7 years and through 6 savage months in dark places. Now I can assess the damage done and the lessons learned.
Now I can take a look at the steps I have taken to get to here and the steps I need to take next.
I refuse to come out of this year unaltered. The conscious going ahead. The conscious rebuilding of a fractured life. Well – it takes effort. My mind is so feral still that I have been concerned about making truly damaging mistakes in budget and moves and all manner of things. I have been concerned that I wold grow weaker again or ill. And I don’t like being so entirely self-obsessed as one is at times of survival.
I didn’t expect to feel like this. Not quite. Memories all round me. Sweet anchoring memories.
My nana opens windows
And gently tells