Once again, the despair comes upon me. How close run is this ?
I did Xmas and I did Kate’s birthday. But now Desolation is upon me. The black cockatoos are in the trees out the back and someone has told me that thunder is rumbling in Sawtell.
i reckon I am in all kinds of trouble. The system is overloaded. I wanted Jim and Maddy to come visit and I wanted Kate to be around more. I want to watch the little girls.
I think I am again overtired and had best pull it all tight again. O lord – this is a bitter time. and I want the rest of my things unpacked. I do alright when I walk the sand and grass and swim in the salt. I think I had best not add one single thing for a little time.
Gee – its a lovely evening. Cicadas and clear skies and a sweet as temperature. Come on, Girl, its OK. Its OK. I don’t know why I made it through that illness. I don;t know what to do in this end of it. I feel like its punishment for leaving my Mum and Dad alone. I get real angry at the 2 girls who have added to the difficulty of this time. I come out with explosive temper spurts and say and do things I don’t mean to do. And some days – I want to die.
Then – I buy a little time – another hour and then another hour – and the evening comes down all sweet and I enclose the mind within the 3 minute egg timer and then I am again OK.
I watch very bad TV and read crummy books and again I am OK.
Today I was able to show T and J the guitars I have left and a video of Izzy – and then I was a little less barren.
I let my kids down by not doing a better job of keeping the possessions we loved and shared with him and my share of his money. BUT – its done. It was as good as I could manage. For tonight – this is it. As good as I can do it. Making it through this Monday. Cela suffice.
And it will sort somehows.
Now I come good in the darkness of night and Terry’s widow messages me and we keep breathing. Just breathe one more time. And I just realised that we can actually make a height chart here and draw on the wall.
Maybe I can sleep soon. Maybe. The mood has lifted and the air is cool and all is well for one more night.