I AM SKIDDING INTO NIGHT PRETTY RUGGED. The Emeralds came and took me to Bello meeting. Thank god for that and we all met up with Yellow Rockers for dinner at the Urunga Bowlo. But I am not OK and I know it.
Now I am on Facetime. To Eden. THIS IS tightrope walking this time is. First I think I cannot keep doing this. Then respite comes. I buy one moment and then another. I go one thing more and then another. Fractured and shattered. Jac spoke of brain injury – she understands. All highways gone. On foot in the bush. Trying to keep going but ill equipped and without map or directions.
So – I buy the Sustagen and don’t let myself be confused by any advice I can’t absorb. I deal with the people who understand various parts of this experience. I develop a ruthlessness.
A Nun in Sydney used to say ” I AM ABSOLUTELY RUTHLESS ABOUT MY RECOVERY. ” Best I develop that again.
Sweet Saints in Heaven – this sux bigtime.
My voice keeps going croaky due to the intubation. Its too hard on my own like this. Much too hard.And I don’t see the options just now. For tonight, its OK. I am alive and clean and sober. I am housed and fed. That gets me through the evening and hopefully through the night.
I do believe that I need to do as Roger once told me – LOWER MY STANDARDS. Stop trying to please anyone at all in any way at all.
And give up every desire for outcomes that I have EVERY SINGLE ONE.
The result was nil until we let go absolutely.
That’s where I am at. Seek nothing at all. Nothing at all.
Sometimes when I come out of the Saturday Night Meeting, I feel like vomiting or falling to the ground moaning. Iz used to go shopping while I was in there and then he would come meet me and we would all chat and then go for dinner. Sometimes just Iz and me. Sometimes a group of us or a well loved young couple. And now when I come out – there is just Me. And the Good People – but not my Iz.
Tonight we all went for dinner at Urunga Bowlo and it was good but I came home to an empty house and no beard to stroke or hand to hold. Jac walked me through my house and they hugged me before they left.
Carrying me across the voids again – so the people are. Carrying me across the Voids.