Its Friday and I am mega weary today and somewhat flat. I am going to go for one more sleeping and see how I come up from that. Today has sunk its claws and teeth into me and is savaging me somewhat. The heat has me beat for one day. The sadness is upon me once more. The body is a mass of aches and the vision is blurred. No matter. Its probably an allergic reaction to the week of not initiating action on what seems urgent.
The wrassling with the resentment and fear and hurt doesn’t mean that I am not aware of the beauty of the day. The relief of being here in this Shack. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have faith that things are actually OK.
The shame that I have been weak and failed myself and my Kids doesn’t mean that I don’t rejoice in being clean and sober. It doesn’t mean that a new strength and beauty isn’t forming inside of me.
The losses I have incurred of big and small and my not standing firm on grounds that mattered to me, well they don’t mean all is lost and they don’t mean that I am a weak kneed pratt.
I can still see the 2 little dogs across the street and feel the cool air of the fan on me.
The disappointment of Eden not coming for these holidays doesn’t mean that everything is shattered, doesn’t mean that I am abandoned on all fronts.
Its just one day is all. One day when going out the door seems too difficult. One day when plucking a weed out of the garden or making a meal for myself is too big a stretch. That’s all. I ride the waves of this period of time and this personality and I don;t allow the mind to have too great an escape from this single Friday.
And just because I am for one day feeling the staggering and subtle losses doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish life. My companion is gone and the way of life we had developed is gone. And I am left with the shards and sometimes , the pointy ends stick into me. Gradually they will weather and round off like the coloured glass in the River from the old ships. But not to day. Not today. Today they are splintering me and drawing blood.
I do believe I have trodden on emotional and spiritual oyster shells this week. Dr Dunn used to scrub them out with a wire brush. I once heard my little brother screaming for ages as he was treated. That was just up on the Hill behind the Beachshack.
I am silently screaming now.