A LITTLE SADDER

TODAY I was able to watch my favourite video of Izzy.It was filmed at his 65th birthday by Peter Carruthers and is a song from the Humblebums, Izzy sings it in the small tribute at the top of the blog. Its the 3rd song. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

What happens if you wake up tomorrow

And find that you have no time left to borrow

And I wept with Julia here. I did not want him to die. I want to touch his arm and look at him.

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Its cold today and very wet. I am so weary again that I shall stay in. Not even go to the shop to buy food. Cheese and tomato toasted sandwiches will be fine. My bathroom is flooded and the bulky goods cleanup didn’t take my throwouts. And I don’t mind . I am tired in sorrow and physical weakness,  They write as though there is a grieving process which can avoid these places – but I watch and I see what really happens. I see my Dad never really return to life after he lost my Mum. I saw all the old soldiers and widows of his Battalion and the Wisdom they had about it that the nouveau counselling  didn’t.

I see Dorothy have a stroke months after killing her husband in a car accident and Archie Roach. And I see me in a Coma 3 months after Iz left. And I am sad today.

nature of things KE

Ah Iz, its cold tonight but I see blue sky. Maybe tomorrow, Summer will come back. The little girl had a good day today, Iz. So they tell me. Life is hard again, as it was before I met you. I haven’t gone outside today. Julia came to visit and Robynne called and I have stayed inside and for much of the day. I have stayed asleep.

I still haven’t had a real bleed. One of the day, i spat up clots and bits and pieces but it stopped at that and I didn’t panic.Its the longest break I have had for all those years from bleeds. I remember now when they began and when the swelling first began. Up there in Bilambil about a year before you came to live with me. This week, my ankles are showing. Remember when the Herpes went away and hasn’t come back? When we in Brisbane. That’s 7 years free of it.

The night is here and the rain is passed. Outside the moon is full and there are stars everywhere. I feel so much better for all the resting up. Much better. My ankles remain thin and i have almost no bodily discomfort.

And now I can weep for us, Iz. Now I can weep.

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