THAT’s what I did today. Coffs Harbour. I don’t often do this stuff but I did today and it was perfectly OK. I bought a letterbox and padlock. I ate at Maccas. I shopped at Aldi. All things that Izzy loved doing.
Kate and I ended up attaching the letterbox sideways because we couldn’t work out how to do it and I no longer have a cordless drill. Not that I have the least idea how to use one anyways. I think I gave it to Jim or someone when I thought I would be going to an Old Person’s Home.
I got it because I am hoping that my cheque will be safe. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Now its late afternoon and I am washing my clothes. I have a wheelie walker courtesy Clover via Hug Wad and it helps in putting my washing out. I would like my pegless clothesline up. Iz got it for me and put it up for me. I can get the clothes off easily with it. No matter, I make do.
And this I know – I didn’t need sedatives or pain killers or grog. When I wanted to die – I just plain didn’t die on that day. When I wanted to use something to escape – I just didn’t for that day.
So – the letterbox hangs sideways – SO WHAT ? And the cheque might or might not come – so what ? I might see Maddy again and I might not – so what ?
Each day has something rich in it – including the agonies and the sorrows and the sheer delight of Sanctuary. I am getting a little better at assessing my capabilities. I am beginning to clarify what I am will and able to do or not do. I am also formulating concepts for whom I will and will not allow in my life and how far I will allow each one in.
I am quiet as this week. I am not even rushing out to see the lagoon or find the birds I can hear. I am waiting for Buster’s plant to flower. Just across the fence. I think it will be something beautiful.
I am returning to quietness. Even my girl said I needed to meditate and she is right.