STONES AND SAND

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Di came to visit today and we took some stones and sand from Nambucca up to Izzy’s Place. We talked and drove and ate at the OVH. Years we have walked recovery walkings. Many years now.

This week has seen a subtle change inside of me. Almost as if that broken thermometer is beginning to work. I seem to be getting sleepy as one ought to. And hungry as one ought.  For all these months since the Coma, it hasn’t been like that. I have merely done what I know people do but without the sensory prompting. I eat. I sleep. I walk. I go to the toilet. But it has been a learned behaviour – that’s all.

But this week – I seem to be kicking into some kind of physical functioning. I wonder whether the acupuncture has helped on that. Di thought the poisoning was very likely and told me of a house in Wombah which was vacated for more than a decade while the poisons cleared away.

And the Haven is gone. The Place with Izzy where I could dwell. Untouched by the outer world. Now I am building one for myself again. It must be really difficult for the people from very long term relationships. People who haven’t been on their own before. It is difficult enough like this. When I go up Valery Road to his spot, then I’m purely sad and its all more real and makes more sense to me. And its then that I wish for the ordinariness to come back. The routines and the little doings. I thought myself finally safe in life. Finally being take care of. Finally able to settle into Life as normal people do without the total dominance of Fear.

And now I am back in my own place where each day requires a tight monitoring – a daily dealing with anxiety and dread. That’s not easy. It involves rigid programming and conscious planning of the days and a refusal to allow the depressed emotions to rule.

Tonight, my legs are again tightly swollen -being alone again means – convincing myself not to freak out or give up over it.

Tonight, it seems very dark outside and that means – not letting fear tell me that people are lurking. Telling myself I am OK on my own.

Now its up to me once again to get lawns mown and pay bills and cook meals and create the Haven.

I didn’t think this is what was going to happen in my life.

Hey, Iz. And you weren’t ready for it to end. I hard you sing that last day and watched you build the Platform – How beautiful you were. Good Night, my beautiful LADY, you said. Propped up on pillows. I shall be in a little later, said I.

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