THE RAIN STOPPED
AND THE SUN IS BEAUTIFULAND THE SUN IS NOT RAINY
HAVING USED MY QUOTA OF FREE SPACE ON THE SILVERBIRD, I HAVE BEEN COMPELLED TO MOVE ON TO PART 2. FOLLOW THE LINKS ABOVE FOR POSTS FROM 21 MARCH ONWARDS. COME FLY WITH ME, MES AMIS.
Saturday mornings are no longer very beloved of me. I have entered the phase where the things I will no longer be doing or wont be again doing keep coming to mind.
Anyways, I had only one thing I was supposed to be doing today and I didn’t want to do it. It was cancelled so I don’t have to. Its grey and slightly damp today and the yard is mega disaster really. I simply didn’t expect all that to be under there. Sheets of corrugated iron and old sticks and old carpets. What the hell am I going to do now ? The kookaburras seem to like it but truly its a mess. I have a few problems seemingly.
Let me think upon them.
I am certainly feeling a great deal better this week and the cessation of the paralysing cramping has made things much better. It allows me to sleep and move around without fear. There is more energy and more flexibility.
One of the questions I asked myself last week was ” what am I getting out of this illness ? Do I actually want to be free of it ?”
And of course – I didn’t entirely want to be free of it and taking care of myself again. It got me out of a lot of things I didn’t want to do, or didn’t think I could face.
I don’t need to be sick to refuse to do things I don’t want to. I can continue to develop a life that I am capable of living.I don’t need the sympathy vote.
I don’t have to add activities out of “duty”. I can live a life as a healthy woman. I can grieve in the way I choose and/or the way it comes to me.
Today – I return to bed. I am someone who heals well in sleeping. I have many years of crafting my own life and many years of feeling and acting my way through all manner of situations. This time – I do know what I am doing and do it I will.
So – a morning pottering. And now some Pratchett and sleeping. The afternoon NA meeting remains a stretch for me and so I will not stretch to it today. Not only a stretch but I am in need of the Faith Filled AA meetings at the moment.
Its a lovely day for snuggling and snuggle I will. A surrendered and pain free woman with mobility.
White -Water Rafting and Palliative Care
for my late wife, Gloria
If I had understood (when down the river
you and I went swirling in that boat)
that there were those who knew the ways of water
and how to use the oars to keep afloat
I might have been less deafened by the worry,
less stunned by thoughts of what lay up ahead
(the rocks, the darkness threatening to capsize daily),
if I had only realised instead
that help was all around me for the asking
I never asked, and therefore never knew
that such additional comfort could have helped me
in turn to be more help in comforting you.
Today AH is here to clear the Yard. Well- he has done a lot of that but now we discover there is no fence between my shack and the house next door. And now there is little privacy and the little boys can go between properties. Ah well. Trust Lynne. Simply trust. There is a lot more yard than I knew and maybe he can brushcut a path to the top of the Hill.
Next doors say they can do something about the fence and so can we. Its a hot one for sure today. I can plant my passionfruit vine and some grapes. Funny stuff, so it is. I always have to claw to make a home. Claw through the lantana of fear, of feeling that there is no point, that Home won’t last, that money will run out. The mental dimensions of addiction are merciless. I do rather a good job simply surviving its weaselly little whispers let alone adding anything else to that.
Its a formidable job that AH has out there. Clearing and disposing of years of weeds and mess. I don’t know what the hell its going to look like but I think it will be good.
and as for me – I sit in sarong. hot and weary. A high tide is a coming in.
LIVING THE ORDINARY LIFE IN AN EXTRAORDINARY WAY
Saying goodbye at the airport, trying to understand suicide, loss of mobility, loss of a baby and loss of a hoped for future. These are just some of the experiences that can bring emptiness, a sense of futility, darkness, pain, grief. And these are some of life’s experiences described in Grieve 2014 – Stories and Poems for Grief Awareness Month.