Today AH is here to clear the Yard. Well- he has done a lot of that but now we discover there is no fence between my shack and the house next door. And now there is little privacy and the little boys can go between properties. Ah well. Trust Lynne. Simply trust. There is a lot more yard than I knew and maybe he can brushcut a path to the top of the Hill.
Next doors say they can do something about the fence and so can we. Its a hot one for sure today. I can plant my passionfruit vine and some grapes. Funny stuff, so it is. I always have to claw to make a home. Claw through the lantana of fear, of feeling that there is no point, that Home won’t last, that money will run out. The mental dimensions of addiction are merciless. I do rather a good job simply surviving its weaselly little whispers let alone adding anything else to that.
Its a formidable job that AH has out there. Clearing and disposing of years of weeds and mess. I don’t know what the hell its going to look like but I think it will be good.
and as for me – I sit in sarong. hot and weary. A high tide is a coming in.
LIVING THE ORDINARY LIFE IN AN EXTRAORDINARY WAY
Today is acupuncture. And Drainage for the lymph system. I have already been down to the lagoon and the tide is high on this grey day. I would like to do the Meeting in Urunga but Gina is here one more day so I shall go to her and for acupuncture. Since the cramps have stopped and I generally feel far better, i shall do the thing that is working.
I met Kate and Clarz for a wee bit. They were going home to dye a T shirt orange for Saf’s Harmony Day at school. Then I went on to the CWA rooms for treatment. Today was Gina’s last day there and so i had a full lymphatic massage. $30. Very good indeed. I feel well when I am in there even knowing the liver is swollen and unwell. I like the atmosphere of a lot of us helping one another. I am home now and have had a swim in the Lido. The Shack has been inspected and all is truly well.
KT cleaned my house today and it looks and smells good. We ate lasagne cooked by IMM for lunch and Clarz and me played in the Caravan. Everything looks good here.
The weather is beautiful and I( am calm but PF’s Hep c has now grown a tumour. And Fear returns to me as well as confusion. I don’t know what to do about the Hep. I shall do some more meditating upon this matter.
At times it eats me alive and the Fear shatters me.
One blessing this week is the cessation of the cramping. When I move, it no longer feels as if my muscles are paper and will tear. I can bend and stretch and not be crippled by pain.
AND THEN I WENT TO A MEETING – and everything is changed for another day.ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL.
I am now without the catalyst in my life. The man who would have had me at the Bell reunion. The man who would have had the lawns mown and been revelling in the gardens. I am finding an unexpected peace at the moment but I aware of the Loss. Aware of the difficulty of doing things alone instead of in partnership .
Its been days now without the cramping pains and a gentle calmness is also coming. I think its the combo of the acupuncture, the chinese medicine and the lymphatic drainage.
Today I did a meeting. Didn’t enjoy it much with cocky unteachable newcomers but it still worked for me. I cruised into town and had lunch at the Boardwalk with its new owners and Dean.
Then Dropped in on Sandra and chatted over a cuppa. Other way round.
And after school she came along and mowed the lawns and things look a lot better and then I cooked myself another good meal. Pretty surprising all up really.
AND TODAY I WORKED SOMETHING OUT. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD RADICAL THINKING BUT NOT ACTED RADICALLY. CAUSED SCHISM. ONLY DRUGS COULD FILL THAT GAP. NOW ALTERED THINKING DOES.
Time to proceed in life and bring with me the things he taught me.
ANOTHER Sunday. I am lonely. I identify that from years of it. Not lonely for people. Lonely for person. Lonely for someone to go for a drive with or eat dinner with or sleep with. The Kids didn’t come to visit today and that left another hole and means I don’t see Saf for a couple of weeks. I have things to work out but I am not yet ready to do so.
“at the heart of every frustration lies a basic structure: the collision of a wish with an unyielding reality.”
― Alain de Botton, The Consolations of Philosophy
Some mornings when I wake up, the tide is in and the lagoon laps along the grass edging the houses but it goes out. That’s what the tide does. And that’s what its like for me these days.
The tide is in now and the skies are once again heavy and dark. Today A.H. came to give me a quote on he yard. $210 he said. I say fair enough. KT was here and knows him well and he’s a lovely young man. I felt very happy with his presence and attitude. And I think he can do it easily. I am still engaging with people I would have engaged with when I first dropped out and I like it.
So the tide came in and brought my daughter and granddaughter. Good food and love. The tide came in and brought the young man who will do my yard for me.
Now the tide goes out and I being to sift through what has been left for me. It looks pretty good.
TIMID. I have become timid again and afraid of consequences. Even of the smallest decisions. It will heal and is indeed doing so but I find it irritating at this stage of recovery. Regressed to earlier years. This week has felt a great deal better and I think the acupuncture is playing a role in that. Everything seems high risk – even what piece of fruit I buy at the shop.
I am however aware of it which is a good start. I have had not one episode of pain today and that is really good. I have Chinese Herbs and acupuncture and the physio and today was a healthy day for me.
I have prospect of getting the yard cleared and loved ones have visited and been on Facetime and I feel OK tonight.