I think I am rather odd after the Coma. Combine it with Izzy’s death and very few meetings as well as a large quantity of drugs and here I am. SCHMOZZLED.
I have time now to do some thinking and some reading and researching. I have time now to consider the impact of this year. I rather think it is greater than I am yet aware of. Mostly I am sitting in the middle of nowhere land. Just sitting.
Face to face with Death.
Face to face with Life.
So far, I haven’t even be able to pick up the kit of simple spiritual tools. I don’t know whether I am going to live or die. I don’t know what damage has been done. I notice every slight alteration in my body. The pulse in my left temple. I wonder whether they have done my liver in or not.
I gather, from my reading, that I was very fortunate inasmuch as all my recollections of the Coma are wonderfully happy. The Dreaming I call it. Dancing with family and aboriginal art. I think my years of drug addiction might have prepared me for a Coma better than for some people. I have been in situations like that on narcotics many times and actually sought it. Nonetheless – this was not a voluntary place I went to. And in addition I was critically ill.
I am not at all sure as to whether I am OK here on my own or not. Having my Son here saved my arse. I went from the devoted care of ICU to the appalling conditions of medical wards. Then I was able to come home because he was here and willing and able to take care of everything. Then I have my Girl, my Advocate and Cake Baker coming in.
But me, I have not quite returned from the Dreaming. I am not as I was before. I am not as I was before Izzy died. I am not as I was before the Coma.
Therefore I cannot just go on as I did before. Thing is – I don’t know how to go on now. No Drugs. No alcohol. Get to a meeting on Wednesday.
Beyond that, I am enclosed within this one night. Watching an action movie which is unusual for me. Allowing the Spirits to redefine me. I have eaten and drank liquids. I am finding myself totally unable to deal with business in any form or to successfully exchange with other people. I need to simplify all my business to a bare minimum.
And stay with – the Changings. NO fractious people AT ALL.
Count blessings might be a good place to start. Come on Lynne. You have been through similar things before. Remember in ICU when you began to waken and knew you had best reach up for that bar hanging above the bed – if ever you were going to move again. Remember watching the water and saying to yourself – “one day I will have a drink of water. “
And remember the McKinnon Unit at Rozelle in 1987. Do not drink. Do not drug. Go to meetings. Make a gratitude list. And recall one small Dream.
You have been here before, Luce. Do it !
Gratitude – just 3 things Lynne.
1, I can move
2. I lived
3. I have mighty fine children and grandchildren and I had one very good man.
ONE SMALL DREAM – see Maddy again.
Sit with the memories. Study the effects of grief and coma. And for tonight – read the book Jim put on Kindle for you. Tuck into bed on the new mattress Iz bought for us. And – skid his Girls.
GO WHERE YOU ARE LOVED. GO WHERE SOMEONE CARES ABOUT YOU JUST THE WAY THAT YOU ARE.
Do not enter the enemy camp.
Get your hair done and the massage and facial.
Thank God for being more or less intact,
And for these lovely Spring days with my Loved Ones around me.