Category Archives: YAANS

A NEW YEAR’S YAAN

I will not write what I wish to write. I MUST heal from it.

Something will change within me because I simply must stop whingeing.

Maybe there is something in the Nouwen book which will help. The Big Call of the elder brother of the Prodigal. I did write for 10 minutes but then I decided to delete. Hand it all over and let it go, Lynne.

You are the one holding a beautiful baby boy and visiting with family.

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O Good Lord. Now a huntsman spider just above my pillows. I did the spider under plastic container routine and put it on the front step. Add it to the leaking washing machine and rampant grass and garden. Ah well.. Ah well. I am either going to break into a million starbit pieces or harden into a diamondic creation.

Now I can do screenshots on iPhone.

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Because, you see, I have had no idea as to whether or not I would make it through.

LAST BIG GIG ME

One breaks. Breaks not knowing whether or not it is a shattering beyond repair. If I were to see one as injured and damaged as I have been, I would not harm them in the slightest. I would soothe and comfort and offer succour. That is what I shall be doing for this profoundly wounded woman.

WINDY WEDNESDAY – 10 MINUTE YAAN

Its quite a disappointment to discover than I am a most uninteresting writer and thinker but it doesn’t really matter. This time is purely about survival for me. Keeping enough interest in life to stay alive. Its cold tonight but once again they say a heatwave is coming. They said that last weekend as well. It didn’t come and its cold tonight.

I checked Hookers again today and she says the Shack is still on. Right ! says I. Right then.

She says they will arrange a viewing for me and then call. Right ! says I.

It will be $110 per week less than here. I am spooked inside of me. Wondering how to do it and I shall have to go one step at a time. I shall need to rein in my thoughts and actions and not PANIC. I am always on the edge of PANIC nowadays.

IT COULD BE GOOD as Harry once said to me. IT COULD BE GOOD.

There seem to be a lot of elements involved to me.

OK sort them, Lass. Sort them and arrange them.

1. Take a look and see whether you really want it. Do as Marian once said. Stand at the doorway and ask yourself ” Can I be happy here ? ”  So far from the outside I think I can. Even with sandflies.

2. Get references ready. That can be done tonight

3. Speak to my lovely Landpeople here.

4. Speak to removalists. Maybe Coffs after all.

5. Find out how to move caravans.

6. Do some more packing and ask John to take a trailer load to the Tip.

7. Basically for now. Just get referee numbers and send a verification email to Hookers.

Then settle down.

Ha ! As if. Last night I slept poorly and then realised that the Energy Drink has caffeine in it and I had drunk a large bottle. So tonight its WATER.

I also clarified with the 2 young women that I don’t employ members of the fellowship, nor do I sell to or buy from them because it changes all the dynamics when we are there to help one another as Addicts not the material world.

And now – turn your attention to other matters. Matters of seeming frivolity.

Before that – No wonder I am tense. The Year has been an arsehole of a thing. Smashed dream after smashed dream and then thinking I would have to go into an Old People’s Hostel and then , the so called young ladies and then the Coma. Never, in all my recovery have I waked down so many dead ends. I have at this stage NO IDEA what lesson I am supposed to learn from this shite. I stay clean. Good enough.

And I begin to HOPE. Just a little. A little home that I can afford. Maybe some health and strength. Maybe some truly happy times.

Just Imagine that !

FLOWERS

Imagine swimming and walking and files in order, Imagine security and variety and love.  Imagine beauty and decency. Come on Girle. Stay for the long haul.

CRYING OVER SPILT GARBAGE

Sehnsucht is also defined as the inconsolable longing in the human heart for we know not what; a yearning for a far, familiar, non-earthly land one can identify as one’s home.

Today is HOT. The galahs are feeding on the front lawn and the clover is growing thick. When I got up this morning, there was rubbish all over the backyard. Reckon the Dog had gotten into it. I just purely collapsed in tears.  June from the KALANG RIVER MOTEL offered to come help me but I managed to do it myself.

I spent the morning with the Eden Folks on FACETIME. I am far less lonesome with that available to me. I don’t have the  car and I am not ready for driving so I am surely isolated here. Its probably doing me good but I am a little restless.

I feel like the pressure of life is off me. And that’s a good feeling. Just sitting here watching the galahs and listening to cow mooing. TV on beside me.

Kate was also going to come down but I was able to do it myself.  We had a galah when  I was a kid. Cocky – we called it.

The chooks and guinea fowl are on the prowl as well.  I figure I am just Benumbed.

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CHIMING TUESDAY – STAYING PAST THE BOREDOM

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My brother told me that once when I asked him how he achieved the creative art he did.

STAY PAST THE BOREDOM – said he.

That’s what I am doing now.  I found this on a blog  today : ” Convalescence—means exactly what? I look it up. Con- + valescere: “altogether grow strong.”

So here I sit in my new office chair – growing strong. A little stronger every day. Gaining a little more understanding of what’s happened every day. Coming close to formulating new ways of living every day.

I might be close to writing some more fairy stories . And Perhaps I will take another look at my Ignatian Online Retreat.

I might be able to write more about my side of the Dreaming. Izzy used to speak of the men he worked with who had acquired brain injuries – saying that part of them had already gone ahead.

I feel a little like that. Some of me has gone ahead now and the Lynne who sits here now is not quite the Lynne who sat here before.

I sit here in the quiet and breathe. Cheeky, the white pony is down in the Paddock. There have been galahs on the lawn and it is gentle weather albeit a little cool.

I have taken a look at my astrology charts – something I haven’t done for a very long time. ASTRODIENST. 

Enlightening experience ***
Valid during many months: This influence will expose you to ways of looking at the world that are quite different from any you have known before. The alternate states of consciousness designated by this influence are not terrifying or confusing. Instead, you are much more likelyto experience a widening interest in the greater depths of the universe and an increased ability to perceive them. Your intuition will be enormously heightened at this time, and if you have any innate psychic talents, they will appear now. You will be increasingly interested in the occult and astrology, and these disciplines will give you understandings that you have never had before. It is quite likely that you will have an enlightenment experience – a perception of your true place in the universe – on some level that is meaningful to you.Idealism is also part of your life now, but its nature is very abstract. You are much more interested in philosophical truth and absolutes than in practical reforms in the world around you. The exception to this is that you could become directly and practically involved with the plight of the underprivileged. You might work to reform conditions in a hospital or other such institution.Another consequence of this influence is that you may become involved with a religious or spiritual movement that works for social reform – a movement motivated not by political doctrines.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Neptune trine Uranus, , exact at 03:59 
activity period end of March 2013 until end of January 2015

Pluto trine Moon: News from the psycheBeginning of February 2014 until mid-December 2015: This is a period of profound emotional experiences, which should be extremely positive and creative for your overall growth and evolution. You are concerned with making your life more profound and emotionally rewarding. No longer satisfied with living at the surface, you want to feel in your heart everything that until now you have understood only with your mind. At the same time your mental understanding will become more profound because it will be based on intuition as well as on logic. This deepening experience of life will affect your relationships as well. In fact it may very well bring about an important new relationship, which may or may not be sexual. In any case you can be sure it will be emotionally profound and a positive learning experience in which you will discover a great deal about your inner psyche.Even your existing relationships will now have a great deal more emotional content than they have had and will become the source of much self-discovery. Again you need have little fear for the stability of these relationships.The most important discovery you will make about yourself during this time concerns the workings of your subconscious patterns, the unconscious habits and patterns that you carry from your past. This is an excellent time for psychotherapy or other consciousness-expanding therapies. It is not that you need them necessarily, but they would be extremely effective at this time.In your personal and home life you will have a chance to make positive changes. You can make repairs, construct new buildings and generally expand your activities. Your home life should be deeper and more emotionally rewarding now than at other times. This is often a good time for buying real estate, especially if you plan to live on it.

 

Pluto trine Moon: News from the psycheBeginning of February 2014 until mid-December 2015: This is a period of profound emotional experiences, which should be extremely positive and creative for your overall growth and evolution. You are concerned with making your life more profound and emotionally rewarding. No longer satisfied with living at the surface, you want to feel in your heart everything that until now you have understood only with your mind. At the same time your mental understanding will become more profound because it will be based on intuition as well as on logic. This deepening experience of life will affect your relationships as well. In fact it may very well bring about an important new relationship, which may or may not be sexual. In any case you can be sure it will be emotionally profound and a positive learning experience in which you will discover a great deal about your inner psyche.Even your existing relationships will now have a great deal more emotional content than they have had and will become the source of much self-discovery. Again you need have little fear for the stability of these relationships.The most important discovery you will make about yourself during this time concerns the workings of your subconscious patterns, the unconscious habits and patterns that you carry from your past. This is an excellent time for psychotherapy or other consciousness-expanding therapies. It is not that you need them necessarily, but they would be extremely effective at this time.In your personal and home life you will have a chance to make positive changes. You can make repairs, construct new buildings and generally expand your activities. Your home life should be deeper and more emotionally rewarding now than at other times. This is often a good time for buying real estate, especially if you plan to live on it.

Jupiter trine Ascendant: People at their bestMid-October 2014 until end of June 2015: This influence signifies your willingness to grow in consciousness and experience through your contacts with others and to be more magnanimous and willing to help others. In this you are helped by the fact that your relations with others are very good at this time, and you experience people at their best. This makes you more optimistic, and you rightly believe that whatever you give to others will be returned with interest. A person may enter your life now who really helps you out in various ways, especially by teaching you something about the universe and your role in it. This learning will be on whatever level you are ready for, perhaps simply learning to be more tolerant and open to new ideas or even encountering deep spiritual and religious truths through this relationship. Certainly you are ready for a greater spiritual understanding of the world now. You need to experience more than the superficial banality of life that many people become mired in. Although you are inclined to idealize the world in general and certain persons in particular, in the long run you will find that this is not a delusion but a period of truly expanding knowledge.Your learning at this time is not limited to spiritual truths, for you are in general more intellectually eager and willing to learn. This is an excellent time to go to school or take a course in a subject that will give you greater insight into the questions that interest you.On occasion this influence will signify the beginning of a relationship that can bring you great emotional happiness. It could be a new love, although that is much more likely if indicated more specifically by another influence at about this time. Any new love that comes now will be very beneficial to your personal growth, whether or not it lasts.

Well – there goes my intelligent, original posting. Hooked into Astrology for a little bit.

As for my day here at home without a vehicle and not yet ready to drive anyways. Danni was here to do my housework today and I have the Meals for dinner. I have done my exercises and will do them one more time today. I am being driven past the boredom into the worlds of studying and thinking and writing. Worlds I haven’t been in for quite a long time. It is a little intimidating to be entering them again through the door of single life and the passage of serious illness and grief.

I am thinking about the curiosities of Life. I have never been paralysed before. That was very odd. Cathetered and paralysed. Looking at that water and thinking I could move and drink only to find that I could do nothing but LOOK.  To be lifted and carted like a piece of meat. Unable to wash my hair or scratch or anything at all.

Well – I am back from the Dreaming. Lets see what comes next.

 

BIRTHDAY EVE – TOMORROW I AM OFFICIALLY OLD

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Tomorrow is my 65th birthday. Today Jim and I stayed home. I was very tired and slept most of the day. I am a little afraid of life when has gone back to Eden. He has been a rock for me. Dinners and shopping and thoughtfulness.

Its quite cool today. My birthday often is. The plants are beginning to look lush. The grapevine and the passionfruit and roses and more. I think a gardenia will bloom later this week.

My cousin rang from Sydney. He is 6 months younger than me. He and his twin brother. My Auntie died just before Izzy did.

As for today, I feel better after sleeping for hours. The Doctor said its a minimum 6-8 weeks recovery just from pneumonia.

I haven’t been to a meeting as yet. I have only left the house to be taken for s short drive to North Beach yesterday. One thing at a time.Not one extra burden. I do not want to perish.

The climbing white rose is in full bloom and the chooks are wandering the yard. Next door is on his ride on mower. I have the heater on. And warm pyjamas. I don’t know what we are having for dinner. I have certainly learned to trust JB.

Hey, Iz. I have stayed here – just a little bit longer. The yard is a mess and there is junk all over the place but we are working on it. Everything you put in place is bringing pleasure to us and I miss you.