Living in a world entirely altered remains somewhat mechanical with conscious rehabilitatve replacement of activities. Today The tide was very high and the canoes and kayaks were out on the water. In the afternoon, I went to Saffy’s swimming lesson and watched the changing in her and Clarz. I am kind of alright encased in Urunga and now and then I am able to expand into Bellingen. Anywhere else overwhelms me. That’s OK. I know how to do this.Gently gently. I am moving through the days with more gentleness and calmness. My legs are almost fluid free today and although I have the ache in the region of the liver, the rest of me is OK and I still haven’t had the cramping.
One thing I saw today which warmed my heart was – my little one realised that all the other kids could swim but her and she was watching them and then a wee little lass took her hand and said “come on, I will teach you how. “
Such a lovely day it was.
Today is acupuncture. And Drainage for the lymph system. I have already been down to the lagoon and the tide is high on this grey day. I would like to do the Meeting in Urunga but Gina is here one more day so I shall go to her and for acupuncture. Since the cramps have stopped and I generally feel far better, i shall do the thing that is working.
I met Kate and Clarz for a wee bit. They were going home to dye a T shirt orange for Saf’s Harmony Day at school. Then I went on to the CWA rooms for treatment. Today was Gina’s last day there and so i had a full lymphatic massage. $30. Very good indeed. I feel well when I am in there even knowing the liver is swollen and unwell. I like the atmosphere of a lot of us helping one another. I am home now and have had a swim in the Lido. The Shack has been inspected and all is truly well.
AND HERE I AM AGAIN. AWAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
SO – having decided by the end of the day that my nerves couldn’t stand waiting around to die from Hep C, I was formulating my exit plan. I thought it would be rather nice to score one last massive load of dope and take myself out onto the lagoon in a canoe and simply go to sleep forever out there. First, I thought I would do some shopping and a meeting.
So at the meeting, I cheered right up, celebrated Julie’s 15th birthday and then G from Sawtell shared with me that he had been waiting for 2 months to get into the Hep C clinic and when he finally got to speak with someone they told him that the reason he hadn’t been put down for further tests was that he was still pretty damn fine. So maybe that’s the same reason they haven’t rushed me in.
So I am glad I didn’t sail off into the sunset because maybe the end is not nigh and then I would miss out on all kinds of goodies in Life.
KT cleaned my house today and it looks and smells good. We ate lasagne cooked by IMM for lunch and Clarz and me played in the Caravan. Everything looks good here.
The weather is beautiful and I( am calm but PF’s Hep c has now grown a tumour. And Fear returns to me as well as confusion. I don’t know what to do about the Hep. I shall do some more meditating upon this matter.
At times it eats me alive and the Fear shatters me.
One blessing this week is the cessation of the cramping. When I move, it no longer feels as if my muscles are paper and will tear. I can bend and stretch and not be crippled by pain.
AND THEN I WENT TO A MEETING – and everything is changed for another day.ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL.
I am now without the catalyst in my life. The man who would have had me at the Bell reunion. The man who would have had the lawns mown and been revelling in the gardens. I am finding an unexpected peace at the moment but I aware of the Loss. Aware of the difficulty of doing things alone instead of in partnership .
Its been days now without the cramping pains and a gentle calmness is also coming. I think its the combo of the acupuncture, the chinese medicine and the lymphatic drainage.
Today I did a meeting. Didn’t enjoy it much with cocky unteachable newcomers but it still worked for me. I cruised into town and had lunch at the Boardwalk with its new owners and Dean.
Then Dropped in on Sandra and chatted over a cuppa. Other way round.
And after school she came along and mowed the lawns and things look a lot better and then I cooked myself another good meal. Pretty surprising all up really.
AND TODAY I WORKED SOMETHING OUT. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD RADICAL THINKING BUT NOT ACTED RADICALLY. CAUSED SCHISM. ONLY DRUGS COULD FILL THAT GAP. NOW ALTERED THINKING DOES.
Time to proceed in life and bring with me the things he taught me.
ANOTHER Sunday. I am lonely. I identify that from years of it. Not lonely for people. Lonely for person. Lonely for someone to go for a drive with or eat dinner with or sleep with. The Kids didn’t come to visit today and that left another hole and means I don’t see Saf for a couple of weeks. I have things to work out but I am not yet ready to do so.
“at the heart of every frustration lies a basic structure: the collision of a wish with an unyielding reality.”
― Alain de Botton, The Consolations of Philosophy