It seemed to me that not only was I losing Izzy but all of my lifestyle as well. “Don’t worry about the business side of things” people said. That’s OK if you have money – but I don’t. We loved our lifestyle, Izzy and me. The children playing and the gardens growing. I was finding the thought of all of it being gone in one ‘fell swoop’ was rather difficult.
Today, Centrelink, courtesy a Gumbayngirr friend, sorted me onto full disability pension and a bereavement allowance so that now I can take time.
My son is here and doing for me all the little invisible things that could break me full on.
My daughter is getting a little respite at last with her babies.
Today I ,lunched at the home of my former in-laws – from 35 years ago. It anchored me in a shared lifetime of many dimensions.
Now I am tired. Money on the table in coins from the Buskers’ tin. Money to come in from Centrelink and $500 from the daughter of my cousin. For tyres.
Now – I feel his Spirit in the very air of this place. Up behind me in the Forest. I have poetry to feel for and sanctuary for a time.
I am setting out on this path of Grief. I refuse the maps people are trying to give me. I do not wish to be led to the places those maps would lead me – comfortable though they may appear. They are siren calls to me and I refuse them
I am about to wander with him in the Forests, away from the generic labels of this era. Tonight – I am happy – for a time. Rich in pleasures and memories. We pulled off one fine funeral, so we did.