DAVIDSON’S WHALING STATION.
Its a dark night with rain falling. Last year we went South to Eden and explored the wild country down there on Twofold Bay. We were planning to go again in September and take care of Mad while her father was at work. That is just another of all the little dreams that have splintered and fractured into broken shards.
Some nights, like tonight, I don’t feel inclined to go on even one more day. That’s when the struggle begins and the moon howling.
Its the little things. The travelling. The Indian Dinner after Saturday Meeting.
Its the Big Things. The safety. The security.
Its being lonely again and having nose bleeds with noone here. Its my hair falling out and nails splitting.
Its the memories of the blue sheet beside the road and seeing him there in the dirt. Gone.
I have made it through today. That is good enough.
I am powerless over his being dead and it has really made my life unmanageable.
A fecking mess, in fact.
Step 2 – came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to Sanity.
“Lack of power, THAT was our dilemma. We HAD to find a power by which we could live, and it HAD to be a POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?”
‘Why don’t you choose YOUR OWN conception of God?'”
“That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.”
“It was only a matter of being WILLING to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of COMPLETE willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!”
― T.S. Eliot
And tonight the Restoration to Sanity came in a Facetime call from Eden. They go on with their affairs down there and I go on with mine up here just as if we lived together. Then I feel sane again.
Kate comes on Messenger and then I feel sane again. Sending stickers and telling me about what’s happening at their place. And then I feel sane again.
Eda messages me. Then I feel the need to be sane for the new people I love.
Let’s go into tonight with an awareness of Step 3. Programme yourself, Girle.
MAKE A DECISION TO TURN YOUR WILL AND YOUR LIFE OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD AS YOU UNDERSTAND GOD.