CLOUDY AND GREY

Saturday mornings are no longer very beloved of me. I have entered the phase where the things I will no longer be doing or wont be again doing keep coming to mind.

Anyways, I had only one thing I was supposed to be doing today and I didn’t want to do it. It was cancelled so I don’t have to. Its grey and slightly damp today and the yard is mega disaster really. I simply didn’t expect all that to be under there. Sheets of corrugated iron and old sticks and old carpets. What the hell am I going to do now ? The kookaburras seem to like it but truly its a mess. I have a few problems seemingly.

Let me think upon them.

I am certainly feeling a great deal better this week and the cessation of the paralysing cramping has made things much better. It allows me to sleep and move around without fear. There is more energy and more flexibility.

One of the questions I asked myself last week was ” what am I getting out of this illness ? Do I actually want to be free of it ?”

And of course – I didn’t entirely want to be free of it and taking care of myself again. It got me out of a lot of things I didn’t want to do, or didn’t think I could face.

I don’t need to be sick to refuse to do things I don’t want to. I can continue to develop a life that I am capable of living.I don’t need the sympathy vote.

I don’t have to add activities out of “duty”. I can live a life as a healthy woman. I can grieve in the way I choose and/or the way it comes to me.

Today – I return to bed. I am someone who heals well in sleeping. I have many years of crafting my own life and many years of feeling and acting my way through all manner of situations. This time – I do know what I am doing and do it I will.

So – a morning pottering. And now some Pratchett and sleeping. The afternoon NA meeting remains a stretch for me and so I will not stretch to it today. Not only a stretch but I am in need of the Faith Filled AA meetings at the moment.

Its a lovely day for snuggling and snuggle I will. A surrendered and pain free woman with mobility.

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