Saturday mornings are no longer very beloved of me. I have entered the phase where the things I will no longer be doing or wont be again doing keep coming to mind.

Anyways, I had only one thing I was supposed to be doing today and I didn’t want to do it. It was cancelled so I don’t have to. Its grey and slightly damp today and the yard is mega disaster really. I simply didn’t expect all that to be under there. Sheets of corrugated iron and old sticks and old carpets. What the hell am I going to do now ? The kookaburras seem to like it but truly its a mess. I have a few problems seemingly.

Let me think upon them.

I am certainly feeling a great deal better this week and the cessation of the paralysing cramping has made things much better. It allows me to sleep and move around without fear. There is more energy and more flexibility.

One of the questions I asked myself last week was ” what am I getting out of this illness ? Do I actually want to be free of it ?”

And of course – I didn’t entirely want to be free of it and taking care of myself again. It got me out of a lot of things I didn’t want to do, or didn’t think I could face.

I don’t need to be sick to refuse to do things I don’t want to. I can continue to develop a life that I am capable of living.I don’t need the sympathy vote.

I don’t have to add activities out of “duty”. I can live a life as a healthy woman. I can grieve in the way I choose and/or the way it comes to me.

Today – I return to bed. I am someone who heals well in sleeping. I have many years of crafting my own life and many years of feeling and acting my way through all manner of situations. This time – I do know what I am doing and do it I will.

So – a morning pottering. And now some Pratchett and sleeping. The afternoon NA meeting remains a stretch for me and so I will not stretch to it today. Not only a stretch but I am in need of the Faith Filled AA meetings at the moment.

Its a lovely day for snuggling and snuggle I will. A surrendered and pain free woman with mobility.

The Best Australian Poems 2007 | Club Troppo

White -Water Rafting and Palliative Care

for my late wife, Gloria

If I had understood (when down the river

you and I went swirling in that boat)

that there were those who knew the ways of water

and how to use the oars to keep afloat

I might have been less deafened by the worry,

less stunned by thoughts of what lay up ahead

(the rocks, the darkness threatening to capsize daily),

if I had only realised instead

that help was all around me for the asking

I never asked, and therefore never knew

that such additional comfort could have helped me

in turn to be more help in comforting you.

via The Best Australian Poems 2007 | Club Troppo.

via The Best Australian Poems 2007 | Club Troppo.


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Today AH is here to clear the Yard. Well- he has done a lot of that but now we discover there is no fence between my shack and the house next door. And now there is little privacy and the little boys can go between properties. Ah well. Trust Lynne. Simply trust. There is a lot more yard than I knew and maybe he can brushcut a path to the top of the Hill.

Next doors say they can do something about the fence and so can we. Its a hot one for sure today. I can plant my passionfruit vine and some grapes. Funny stuff, so it is. I always have to claw to make a home. Claw through the lantana of fear, of feeling that there is no point, that Home won’t last, that money will run out. The mental dimensions of addiction are merciless. I do rather a good job simply surviving its weaselly little whispers let alone adding anything else to that.

Its a formidable job that AH has out there. Clearing and disposing of years of weeds and mess. I don’t know what the hell its going to look like but I think it will be good.

and as for me – I sit in sarong. hot and weary. A high tide is a coming in.


Grieve Project – Hunter Writers Centre

Saying goodbye at the airport, trying to understand suicide, loss of mobility, loss of a baby and loss of a hoped for future. These are just some of the experiences that can bring emptiness, a sense of futility, darkness, pain, grief. And these are some of life’s experiences described in Grieve 2014 – Stories and Poems for Grief Awareness Month.

via Grieve Project – Hunter Writers Centre.

via Grieve Project – Hunter Writers Centre.


“The Attainment of Inner Peace. “There were hills and valleys, lots of hills and valleys, in that spiritual growing up period. Then in the midst of the struggle there came a wonderful mountaintop experience—the first glimpse of what the life of inner peace was like. “That came when I was out walking in the early morning. All of a sudden I felt very uplifted, more uplifted than I had ever been. I remember I knew timelessness and spacelessness and lightness. I did not seem to be walking on the earth.There were no people or even animals around, but every flower, every bush, every tree seemed to wear a halo. There was a light emanation around everything and flecks of gold fell like slanted rain through the air. This experience is sometimes called the illumination period.

“The most important part of it was not the phenomena: the important part of it was the realization of the oneness of all creation. Not only all human beings—I knew before that all human beings are one. But now I knew also a oneness with the rest of creation. The creatures that walk the earth and the growing things of the earth. The air, the water, the earth itself. And, most wonderful of all, a oneness with that which permeates all and binds all together and gives life to all. A oneness with that which many would call God. “I have never felt separate since. I could return again and again to this wonderful mountaintop, and then I could stay there for longer and longer periods of time and just slip out occasionally.” From “Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work In Her Own Words” – page 21

And that is how it has been for me since 1987 despite appearances to the contrary.


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